Aaaaaand we’e back! Last week’s episode was just as insane as the winter premiere and I’m still not over it.
But… I actually loved it. It was just as insane as the last episodes but I loved it. This was a good episode.
Let me just say one thing:
I KNEW IT. I FUCKING KNEW IT.
I knew the seizures were caused by stuff in the water. I’ve been thinking about it since episode 1 and my theory has finally been confirmed.
You can’t understand how happy and satisfied I am!
There was no other reason to show this!
From Veronica’s extravagant hat to the whole noir vibe of the episode, I knew I was going to love it. And there is so much Narrator!Jughead!
TALL BOY WAS HIDDEN UNDER THE SEX BED IN THE SEX BUNKER WHILE FP WAS SITTING ON SAID SEX BED?!
If I see another scene in the sex bunker, Rivedale is cancelled.
Also… Jughead in suspenders.
I said this in my last review as well: I don’t like Betty talking to Hal. He will manipulate her.
THEY BRING BACK CLIFFORD BLOSSOM’S DEATH 2 SEASONS LATER?!
Everybody fucking knew he didn’t JUST kill himself.
Wait…
was this supposed to be the noir episode? Because… it didn’t not come across that way. Where’s the black and white? Where’s the noir element, aside from Veronica’s extravagant hat and the almost undetectable noir score?
Fred gives his son a job at his company and that little fucker is so disrespectful and ends up punching Fred’s right-hand man. And Archie’s drinking problem gets immediately discovered by his dad, the only sane person on this fucking show.
Because he didn’t want to have a break.
Archie said: “Dad, I was thinking…” so we know that’s problematic as hell.
Honestly, he just needs someone to talk to and get some therapy. HE WAS ATTACKED BY BEAR! (lol)
How am I so attracted to him?!
“Mobsplaning” is a term you can only hear on Riverdale. And Veronica as Mob Queen is an aesthetic. And I did NOT recognize Smithers!
“Bughead Investigations” is back!
In one glorious scenes ewe have both their kinks: investigating murders and domination.
I currently hate myself and how oversexualized these teenagers are.
Right, because the sex in Riverdale wasn’t cringy enough. They NEEDED a sex club. Sure. Completely understandable.
“No rest for the wicked.”
“Not in a wicked town”
Oh and while Bughead is contributing to society and solving fucking crimes, Archie is getting drunk at Veronica’s speakeasy. And puts in his tub and soaks him with cold water to sober him up.
And Dr. Curdle Jr gives Betty the results of Clifford Blossom’s autopsy. Which his father did anyway, without the family consent. Sure. Because that’s allowed.
Hermione says she wanted Hiram and Claudius to stop making and selling drugs and she proposes to sell Daddy’s empire. She’s all about that money!
Penelope Blossom has been going around poisoning people and she tells us the runoff from the manufacturing of the drugs in the water was the cause of the seizures. And as I said before, I FUCKING KNEW IT!
Penelope and Betty have to keep each other’s secrets or they’ll be in so much trouble!
KELLY RIPA!
Smug!Jughead… and Cole.
Oh and Sheriff Minetta is alive. And he’s having an affair with Hermione Lodge.
SERIOUSLY?! Who are they going to dig up their grave now? Jason?!
And they’re going to frame FP for something. I didn’t really get it. And I don’t care.
Also, Jughead said: “On a collision course” and I yelled: DON’T YOU QUOTE QUEEN TO ME, BOY!”.
I shot Hiram.
FP Jones
THE FUCK!?
I thought I was ready to like FP, to embrace him and forgive him for everything he did in the past, especially to Jughead and Jason Blossom.
Let’s not forget he helped disposing of his body with Joaquin.
But guess what? HE’S EVIL!
And somehow, him discharging his weapon was totally fine. He killed a man and the whole thing was totally okay. SURE. I mean, it reflects the current social climate. #GunControlNOW
I don’t are if he wanted revenge for his boy, you don’t go around killing people, you moron.
Why the fuck was Archie the little fucker talking to an unconscious Hiram? And planning to kill him? Only to have the whole matter resolved in an agreement.
COULDN’T YOU DO THAT A MILLION EPISODES AGO?! WHY STRING US ALONG!?!
The irony of Archie lying to Veronica about being at the hospital and her telling him she’s sorry about thinking he was the one who shot her daddy.
Reggie steals all the Fizzle Rock and they burn it. Cool. Betty is still talking to her serial killer of a dad and PLEASE STOP DOING IT. He is trying to make her forgive him and “see him in compassionate light”.
I loved the Hermione/Jughead confrontation. Hermione just wanted revenge on Hiram having a Blackhood copycat shoot at her in season 2.
Also, Hermione shot Minetta.
SHE DIDN’T EVEN BLINK! SHE SHOT HIM WHILE IN A TINY TINY ROOM AND NOT EVEN BLINK.
That’s the most absurd thing I’ve seen on this show so far. HAVE HER BLINK, IDIOTS!
Overall I really like this episode. It tied a lot of ends and it finally gave us some answers about all the shit that has been going on as far back as season 2.
I had fun! So many stupid and ridiculous moments! And Bughead is still going strong. That’s the only think that matters right now.
What are your thoughts on the episode? What will happen next?
BONUS:
Georgia's Favourite Things 
Riverdale is something else. Once again they don’t build us up, they start at a high and then begin to de-escalate. I mean seriously… the beginning of this season started at a climax… Archie went to jail, he escaped, he hid out, he ran away, he got attacked by a bear ALL because of Hiram and they they handshake. Seriously? Riverdale is insane. I truly believe the writers are probably good writers in real life… for other TV shows. They probably get together in their little writers room and just say “let’s write our biggest fantasies and not even edit it. Because who cares!??! We do serious writing all day long. But here… we can be free.”
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I think the problem is that it all happens super quickly… SLOW DOWN!
In 10 episodes, too much stuff happened.
honestly, I don’t know what to say. I think it all comes down to the showrunner. It’s her/his vision. He has to approve stuff.
I wish people would listen to “the good place the podcast” because Mike Schur’s writer’s room seems like one of the most supportive and nice places to work at.
i can’t wait for next episode though. MAYBE and I say MAYBE, the bughead sex scene won’t be cringy. It’s impossible but I’m still hoping for it
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I feel so stupid, I completely missed that sign! I do hope we get more though considering it only worked on the girls and the fact that the water is still contaminated (I’m assuming). Also I never got to mention it in my review but Smithers returning was great and Jughead in suspenders was just a gift 😍😍😍
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Ahahaahahha!! Don’t!
I am so suspicious about everything! A lot of my other theories didn’t pan out as well as this one did!
I don’t get how it could only work on girls, though. That’s sci fi…
I mean… whenever I see Jughead in suspenders, I know it’s going to be a great episode. I don’t care what happens in it.
Thanks for reading my review and commenting! I truly appreciate it! thanks for the follow! I wrote a lot about Riverdale in my blog if you want to check it out! Lots of opinion pieces! xxx
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“Why the fuck was Archie the little fucker talking to an unconscious Hiram? And planning to kill him? Only to have the whole matter resolved in an agreement.”
SO TRUE. Why did he save Hiram when he was thirty seconds away from killing the dude himself? It made no sense.
I feel like the only answer to all rhetorical questions from now on is that great gif of Veronica saying, “Forget it. It’s Riverdale.”
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Ahahaj! That gif is the answer to everything!
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