Failure

I was hoping to pass at least one exam but I didn’t.

I did two and I didn’t pass either of them. Frankly I don’t know what to do. I thought I was strong enough but apparently this has set me back. I don’t deal well with failure. It is something that detroys me from the inside.

And now I have to tell my family. Great. I can already see their faces. I am sure they are not going to make a big deal out of it, especially my mom, since she is the only one who know what I’ve been going through this past year.

Should I lie? Should I just tell people I passed them?

The world I live in is very judgy. And pityful.

I HATE seeing that expression on people’s faces but even more than that, the judgy look that they give you when they take pity on you.

In a couple of days it’s my birthday, but the last thing I want to do is celebrate. I’d rather dig a hole and hide in it until august. (That’s when I will take the exams again.)

I just want this university part of my life to go away. I hate it. I can’t help myself but I really really hate it with all my heart.

I can’t drop out. I just really can’t. But it is destroying me.

I really want to be a teacher and talk in and about English all day. But the journey getting there is ripping me apart piece by piece.

I know that they are just two exams but I really wanted to pass them so I could get them over with and begin the next year with a fresh start.

Now I’m not so sure I will.

 

Georgia

We’re done

Attention!!! This post contains some strong language and swear words!

I hadn’t cried in quite a long time. At least for my standards.
But I’ve never cried out of anger. Repressed anger.
And possibly something help. I’ve been feeling terrible these couple of days, really really down. And it hasn’t happened in at less a couple of months. I had managed to get out of it. I even did two fucking exams. Just 6 months ago I cried just by thinking of university. I was getting better for fuck’s sake.

I don’t want to sound obnoxious but in the family life, I am pretty much invisible and soooooo low key. I’m not expensive, I don’t ask for money, I don’t go to parties, my parent don’t have to drive me around, I keep quiet, I do what they ask me to. I basically have no life. But I’m sure you already knew that.

But for the first time in ages I was really really interested in something: I wanted to see my favourite mystery novel author at a bookstore where he is presenting his lastest masterpiece. (Which is set in Italy BTW).

Sadly taking the train isn’t an option. The city is an hour away from where I live and hte bookstore is at a 25 minutes distance from the station. The city is said to be VERY dangerous at night. Especially for a women. (Fuck those creeps that prevent us from ever enjoying ourselves without the fear of been attacked).

So I asked my mom for help and she said she wasn’t comfortable driving me to this city at night (the event starts at 9PM) and that I should ask my father.

So I did! And he checked his calendar and said yes! I seriously thought it was a miracle. He is NEVER free. Let me say this: we don’t have a great relationship. We don’t usually talk to each other, aside from “are you coming home to lunch?” from me and “tell mom I’ll be late” from him.

For a day and a half, I was over the moon. This was my THIRD try to see the author. THIRD. And both times I was not allowed to go. (I still throw it in my mother’s face every chance I get)

Then when we were at dinner Saturday, I found out that he actually wasn’t free. That he had a gig he didn’t remember of.
So I looked at him with a glare that would have incenerated him and said: “I’ll fucking kill you”. It got resolved fairly quickly as they moved the date!

I was so fucking naive to even click the “I will attend” button on the event of Facebook and I was literally jumping up and down.
Until Sunday afternoon. I am not kidding. This is what actually happened.
I might sound like a spoiled child and I don’t fucking care. I’ve wanted to meet the author and get his autograph since I was 15. That’s it. I literally haven’t asked anything else.

Back to the story, my father came in and told me he has orchestra rehearsals that day and that he couldn’t take me.

I had tears in my eyes but frankly, I didn’t want him to see me cry. He knows nothing about what I have been going through this past year and I sincerely hope my mother has not spilled the beans or I’ll fucking lose it.
Anyway. I just looked at him and said: “do not ever talk to me again”.
And then I just yelled at him in front of my grandparent. Great! 😒🙄

What really hurt me wasn’t that he can’t take him. Otherwise I would have got angry with my mother as well. It’s the illusion he let me have for that glorious day and 1/2. I fooled him into taking him, making him feel like the “cool” parent who wants to right a wrong made by his wife 5 years ago. I played him like a fucking idiot. But apparently I got played back.
What really angered me is that his things and interests always come first. He does whatever the fuck he wants. I make lunch, he says he’s not hungry. He heats up dinner once and then shouts that nobody is helping him clean out. And who the fuck helped me?
Also, how come he didn’t say: “I have to take my daughter to see her favourite author.” Or “can we do it earlier? I have plans with my daughter”.
I’m not asking him to talk to me everyday or know what exams I have or what I am doing with my life. For once, I asked for something. 4 hours of his life.

But apparently, I’m not important enough.

Bones Series Finale

SPOILERS FOR ALL 12 SEASONS OF BONES

I’ve been watching Bones since season 5 in the remote 2010. I can’t believe it’s been 7 years! During this time I have definitely lost interest. I’m sorry, but it got out of hand.

Let’s just start with season 5 itself. The brain tumor, Booth’s memory loss… the only great thing about this season was the 100th episode where they show us the first time Forensic Anthropologist Temperance Brennan meets Agent Seeley Booth of the FBI. That and my adorable Lance Sweets’ annoyance was hilarious. And from there, it went downhill.

bones-sdcc-2016-fullAccording to my TV shows tracker app, I have 40 episodes left to watch. Basically 2 seasons. So yeah… I have a lot of new and more exciting series to watch and after the mixed schedule with only 13 episodes in season 7 and the absolutely ridiculous plot line of Hodgins getting super injured. Come on.

And Christine’s birth in the shed? OH GOD. JUST NO! And how could I forget that weird episode in which Dr. Brennan dreams her dead mother or has a vision about her. I don’t remember. That was ridiculous.

What I loved about Bones was the darkness of its earlier seasons: the murders, Brennan’s coldness and the gruesome of the whole thing.

I’m really sad Bones ended… I felt the same emotions when Castle ended. I loved the show. Well,  I loved season 1-2-3 and 4. Out of 8. Anyway, I have this feeling of nostalgia. Even though I didn’t watch it regularly, I knew Bones was there. I knew that I could pick it up whenever I wanted.

There are some episode I remember with great fondness (Did I just quote an interview with Emily Blunt? I think I just did…): the 100th, the episode where Mr Vincent-Nigel Murray dies, the episode with the body in the chocolate bar (I couldn’t eat one for weeks) and frankly many more.  Oh! The one where they thought they had JFK’s remains in the lab! HILARIOUS!

And can we talk about poor dear adorable shrink Lance Sweets? I believe I stopped watching the show after they killed him off. The actor needed time off for shooting a movie and they just wrote him off. I was deeply saddened by the whole thing. He was just adorable.

I can’t actually review the last few seasons because I’ve seen only a handful of episodes, but as a longtime fan of “Bones” I felt I had the duty of remembering and bidding farewell to this beloved show.

“The End in the End”

I was reading this article on cinemablend.com and they are so right. The last episode had everything that made it the typical last episode of a cable TV show: they solved the crime, there were major life-changing discoveries, character moving on to better things and a general overview of all the other forensic team.

Bones_S12E12_-_05I quite liked it actually. Aside from the unnecessary dramatic music that at times was overwhelming and almost as loud as the dialogue.

I felt like Dr Brennan’s concussion (brain injury or whatever) was useless at the beginning, but after her powerful conversation with Booth, I definitely changed my mind. I related to it….

At the end of the episode, I was satisfied by the ending. Not totally impressed with the whole series killer/Zack situation and the subsequent explosion of the Jeffersonian. Come on, they started with the “Cam left her purse around” on the previous episode. I GET IT!

Also, if you want to check out a truly creepy serial-killer-turning-his-victims-in-marionettes, you should definitely check out Fringe’s episode “Marionette” (season 3 ep 9). Absolutely disturbing.

Anyway, I’m still sad it’s over. Bones was with me for 7 years and I’m really disappointed to see it go… But if they had renewed it for a 13th season, they would have most definitely ruined it.

Goodbye Bones. Thanks for the years we’ve spent together.

Georgia