Oh, Riverdale… you did it again. I had the best time watching this scary, trashy and ridiculous show.
There was so much Bughead! Our favourite investigative duo is back together and it’s adorable.
Now, let’s get into it because I have so many opinions.
Archie gets processed in prison, the warden talks about the music room for some reason and tells him not to get into trouble. NO. SHIT. But wait…
THE HOT DADS OF RIVERDALE ARE READY FOR ACTION… but in the next episode. Maybe.
We find out Betty’s seizure is caused by “stress”. Like we fucking believe it. Again with Juniper and Dagweed. Poor children.
And Dilton is dead. Like, really dead. And Ben is a coma. At “The Blue and Gold”, Jughead tells Betty what he saw in the woods and it’s major True Detective flashbacks. (I have to re-watch season 1. It’s fantastic.)
And Bughead Investigations is back in business! In an interview, Cole Sprouse said it’s their kink. And he’s right. It really is.
Archie is bunking with this guy called “Mad Dog” and what does he do? HE STARTS TALKING!
Archie, you dumbass, you don’t ask cellmates private stuff?!
Have you never seen a tv show or movie where the main character is in jail?!
DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE. DON’T ASK ABOUT THEIR CONVICTION!
SHUT THE FUCK UP, you dink.
And Cheryl wants to become Student President, replacing Archie’s vacant seat.
Also, JOAQUIN! WHAT THE FUCK!
I did not remember Joaquin being such a hard ass! Archie immediately shows off his “ink” and we find out Joaquin came back to town to help Fangs at the end of season 2 and he got caught during the riots! FUN!
Joaquin wants Archie to shiv a guy.
Archie, for the love of God, stop calling people “bro”.
The Medical Examiner (who looks remarkably similar to Bill Skarsgård) tells Bughead some facts about Dilton’s death and says:
“I’m not sure what it is but… whatever it is, it’s darker than what happened to Jason Blossom or what the Black Hood did. No, what we’re looking at here I believe is the true face of evil”.
Jughead is using a non-digital camera to shoot pictures and then he is in the darkroom to process them.
IS THIS THE 1960s?
Although it was nice to see Cole in his element.
Archie gets beaten up and Edgar Evernever’s creepy daughter freaks Betty out.
Moose is still deeply in the closet and not willing to be seen with Kevin by his father.
Am I supposed to know what an RROTC is? And why they are dressed in this stupid-ass uniform? Because I don’t get it.
At first I was like… why is Veronica working at Pop’s? And then Veronica itself reminded me she actually owns the place! But it ended up being a lovely moment between the two.
Cheryl is a viper but she comes through.
Bughead is one the move! Finding creepy wooden stick dolls, confronting Sheriff Minetta and Ethel. And there is a missing kid!, who was part of Dilton’s group.
Ethel tells Bughead about Dilton’s bunker in the woods and they set to meet up.
Some more Archie bullshit…
Alice and FP confront Betty and Jughead about their investigation and Alice reveals to both men she had a seizure.
Jughead and FP’s worried looks were absolutely adorbs.
Now onto the most Riverdale part ever. Archie making a bit speech in the middle of the prison’s outdoors “garden” about prison, other roads, sports, high school football…
No Goulies no Serpents. Love and peace.
Alice and Betty have a nice moment in her bedroom even if as soon as I saw this picture, I thought Jughead was going to climb in from the window or come out from under the bed sheets.
But Betty sneaks out and meets him in the woods and it all gets weirdly inappropriate. They reminisce about the times when they first started dating…
This things appears on screen! I’m like… WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Some more Archie bullshit with Veronica and Mad Dog and…
Bughead is in Dilton’s bunker! And they find the missing kid!
Scaring the bejesus out of Betty and me.
And the football came is here! With Veronica and the Vixens cheering on Archie.
This was stupid.
This was misogynistic.
It was wrong. On so many levels.
And what were the inmates doing with that gate?!
Oh look! Daddy shows up! And blocks Veronica from visiting Archie. All the inmates basically get beaten up by the guards and Archie yells:
“It’s a freaking ambush! Everybody run!”
NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!
And police brutality on a white kid!? Progressive, Riverdale! They tell Archie Mad Dog “died” even if he wasn’t even there.
For some reason, this happens:
WHY WOULD YOU WEAR A HEAD SCARF, YOU DUMB FASHIONISTA?! YOU ARE NOW MORE RECOGNIZABLE THAN EVER!!!!
These people, you guys…
With only 5 minutes left, they start packing plot twist after plot twist.
Ethel starts having a seizure
The Prison Warden “taps” Archie and gives him the title of “Mad Dog”
There is a “Council of the Parents” that is weird as fuck. They made some kind of vow in highschool never to talk about a certain secret they buried all those years before. And they seems to be revolving around the Gargoyle King.
Apparently the “blue lips” aspect of Dilton’s death shook both Fred and FP. They made a pact never to revisit that night, or to mention it or to think about it.
Hermione Lodge said: “All of this is happening AGAIN.“
Ben throws himself off the window right in front of Betty and Jughead, who had gone to the hospital to check up on him.
He starts talking about “being with Dilton” and “ascending“, that they’ll be “reunited in the kingdom“, “part of his plan” and out the window he goes!
What is going on with the parents? What is the secret they’ve been keeping for years and years?
And this cult thing? And the seizures? And the game? I’m… I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
Why would they do the football match and the jailhouse rock thing?! That was unbearable and fucking horrible
Let’s objectify women! Yay!
I can’t wait for the next episode. I saw the trailer and it looks great.
CUTE BUGHEAD SCENE ALERT!
I really really want to know what you think about the episode. Were you as outraged as I was about the Jailrock House thing?
I’m always up for swapping theories and impressions!