Hugging

Today my mom hugged me. And not in a congratulatory “Happy Birthday” or “Happy New Year” way. We hadn’t hugged like that since that morning in high school, when I basically had a breakdown in the bathroom.

This time, we stumbled upon each other in the kitchen and she hugged me.

So of course, I’ve been crying for 20 minutes. I don’t know what happened, she put her arms around me and tear came out of my eyes.

I haven’t had the best weekend, counting the days until I HAVE to go back to Uni. I was supposed to go today. But last night while I was watching the Emmys I couldn’t keep my heart beat down. I felt something on my chest, something that suffocated me and my heart kept pounding. It took me quite a long time to make it stop.

At 4.30AM I wrote to the friend I was supposed to meet at the train station that I got a bug my little cousin had yesterday at lunch. She was sick. I am not. I couldn’t help by lie. I know that it’s horrible, but I can’t talk to people. I can’t tell them what I truly feel.

Anyway, I didn’t go and I’ve been feeling like shit all day. Extremely happy about the Emmys, but basically dead inside. It’s all a “guilt” problem. That I already knew.

But getting hugged by my mom was what sent me over the edge. She is not a very physical person. Aside from a pat (it’s more like an affectionate slap, actually on the leg, we don’t really touch.

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

While we were hugging in the middle of the kitchen, my sister came in. I couldn’t let her see me cry. I think she knows that something isn’t right. I think she might have seen me cry a couple of times. When I couldn’t hide it. She hasn’t said anything, thought. What could she say?

I’ll be trying to go to Uni on Wednesday, since there is English 3. And that shouldn’t cause me any stress. As if.

I’m going to lay down now. I already feel the post-crying-headache coming on.

Advertisements

Trouble at Uni, exams and breakdowns

I don’t even know where to start.

Basically I’ve been studying for a months and a half for absolutely NOTHING.

A couple of weeks ago, I logged into my uni account to book my english exam. And I made a surprising discovery.

Back in June I wrote this post about the fact that I didn’t pass BOTH my exams. I was called Failure and I wrote it while sobbing on my keyboard. So, yeah. Fun times. 😅

This almost pulled me back to my dark place. I was so devastated. I had studied for a long time, without attending class and on my own. Anyway, I thought I hadn’t passed my Literature exam. But in reality I did.

This is what happened.

Instead of telling my mother straightaway, I invented a lame excuse about problems with the University server. I saw it said: “Passed: NO” and I never gave it a second look. You don’t want to go back and have your failures mock you in the face.

So when I logged into my account to book my English exam I noticed there wasn’t the box to book the other one, the English Literature one. And of course I freaked out!

So I went to my “libretto”, the page that contains all my marks and it turns out: I did pass it.

Basically, the whole excuse with the university server was true. I had made it up, but apparently there actually WAS a problem and some marks weren’t registed. Mine included. A week after I saw the mark they sent an email saying that there was a mix up but I didn’t see it.

Of course.

I was so relieved but so unbelievably pissed. I WASTED SO MUCH TIME THAT I COULD HAVE SPENT STUDYING FOR A DIFFERENT EXAM.

Anyway, I got a 22 out of 30. Not particularly well but I thought I hadn’t passed it so it’s definitely an improvement.

I am exhausted by all of this and aside from my imediate family and my best friend, I haven’t told anyone else. And my dad made fun of me for the entire day. My mom started laughing every time our eyes met but now the drama is over.



So yeah. This happened. I know I was stupid: I should have check it my uni emails, but I just didn’t want to see the “no” again.

Next time I’ll be checking my emails every single day. Let me know your crazy university stories! The Uni world is a crazy one!

xxx

Georgia

September Goals 2017

I saw this wonderful post by Victoria (Doodles and Scraps) about her August Wrap-up and the goals she has set for the months of September. So I decided to use this as inspiration for my post.

It’s the 1st of September as I am writing this. I’ve spent the morning watching “Harry Potter and the deathly hallows part 1” with my sister. Today is the day the last chapter “19 years later” of the seventh book takes place. And we were so excited! We talked about Harry Potter for the entire morning, sharing theories and remembering fondly about the previous books and movies.

Anyway, let’s get into it! For my September goals I’d like to:

  • Start my new year at Uni without falling back into my dark place

Last year, I was supposed to start my second year at Uni but when the time came, I was so emotionally fragile, the thought of going to Venice made me want to cry in dispair. And this year I have more responsibility, I have a job (kind of, I’m teaching English 3 hours a week) and tutoring. I already feel the pressure, but I can’t give up like a did last year.

I really can’t.

  • Watch the Emmys on September 17th

The “Emmy Awards” is my favourite award show and I’ll be live tweeting like a crazy person. I’m currently catching up on all the shows I haven’t seen yet and it’s been amazing. I have broadened my orizon and watch show I nomally wouldn’t.

So I’d like to complete this challenge.

  • Wear Makeup Everyday

IMG_7103 - OK

It might seem silly, but my mother gave me this advice in order to get better. When getting out of bed seemed an enourmous efford, she told me: “I know it’s hard. But get up, shower and put some makeup on. Try to get out of the house for even an hour. You’ll feel better.”

It wasn’t like this. She forced me. She gave me shopping lists to do every day. Most of the time… I got out of the house without a single hint of makeup, my pyjama hidden under the coat. But I slowly got better.

This months, I haven’t worn it that much. Mostly because I stayed in. But I can’t go back. I have to do it this time.

  • Read more books

cropped-best-books-book-youll-ever-read.jpg

So far, I’ve read 35 books this year. Not too bad. I’ve completed my goodreads goal and recently set another one. So I want to push myself, read more diverse books and learn more about the world through the stories.

I want to appreciate books more and espand my knowledge of the world of literature. And of course a couple of nice chick-flicks.



Hope you liked my September Goals. Huge thanks to Victoria for the inspiration. I had so much fun writing this!

I’d like to know what your september goals are! Please leave a comment and let me know. That’d mean the world to me!

Love,

Georgia

 

P.s. This post uploads itself on the 4th on September and it’s the date of my exam!!! I am so ready for all of this to be over! Let’s hope I’ll pass it!

It’s back

I am terrified that my "dark times" are coming back. I've been studying to take my exams again and although it is going okay, I have this horrible feeling that what happened last year is going to represent itself on September.
I was weak, I cried for everything and going out felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest.
But I've made so many progress! I go out pretty easily, I want to be around (some) people. I was even super eager to go driving with my mom to practise.
Last time I really cried was in April

But in this past week, I feel like I have undone some of the steps forward that I have taken.
I have said to my mom multiple times that I think this is also caused by hormones and mood swings that come with my period. She said it wasn't but never mind that.
I feel really down a week before my period is due, and getting back on my feet is never easy.
I have the impression I am inadequate, ugly, bored, angry, useless and incapable of facing my issues.
It's probably just because of the hormonal chaos that is inside my body, but just 20 minutes ago, I stood in my bathroom and cried.
Thankfully I managed to compose myself after two minutes. However, this is how it started last time. A few tears every couple months turned into sobbing on the bathroom floor, not being able to stop.
I sincerely hope this is not history repeating itself again. I made a journey, I got better but if even seeing ex-classmates' pictures on Instagram about their happiness over their University made me anxious, I really can't tell if some progress have been made.
I'm trying to be positive. Something I never do. Hopefully, it's just a bad mood and hormones. 😬