Tears Streaming Down Your Face

It’s definitely back.

My issues are back in full swing. I haven’t had such bad days in a long time. And the rage. I am angry. All the time.

The following may or may not be a few of the reasons.

Uni has started and I haven’t had the courage to attend any class. Next week I’ll be forced to, so expect another meltdown.


My mom, sister, aunt and cousin are going to Rome in October. Just a mothers-daughters trip. So……… yeah.

They asked me to go a couple of days later and I told them half-joking “Do you think I’m made of money?” Two days later, they came home for 4 tickets. Four.

 

sistinechapel-57ffd66e5f9b5805c2ac4916

They are already planning their trip, booking the visit to the Sistine Chapel and other museums. Great, right? I am happy for them, but I feel a bit left out. Well, a lot left out. I interpreted it like they didn’t care. If they wanted me to go, I could have got the money, I could have put off some expendable expenses (pardon the pun).

So I’ll be home the 28-29-30th of October. Next time I’ll go alone. I don’t know why I feel so upset. I don’t need them.


On top of that, they have commented on my physique (the last time just a couple of minutes ago) like it’s the only thing keeping them alive.

They have regarded my interests as useless, complained I talked about them too much. How is that even possible since I haven’t been speaking much when I’m with them? I don’t even know what to say.

I told them I was a bit tired of hearing about it and they bitterly said: “What? You want to talk about makeup and tv all day?”.

But if I don’t care about the same things as them, I’m the heartless one, the one who doesn’t care. And I don’t.

At the beginning, I was keen on helping them, managing the association’s Facebook page, but now, it’s too much. It’s the only topic they talk about. 24 fucking 7. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s the only topic. I am not exaggerating. They are currently (and have been for at least 2 hours) talking about it and yelling into a phone. I’ve threatened them to burn to whole thing down. As a joke of course. And if it weren’t bad for the environment and a felony, I would have done it a long long time ago.

(update: now my dad has picked up the phone and he is literally screaming to it.)


On top of that, my driving lesson was a disaster. A TOTAL FUCKING DISASTER.

Getting out of the house and interacting with people has been incredibly difficult this week. I received a few calls about my tutoring job and I am terrified. I don’t know why but I am scared. Really scared.

I got invited by a friend to a conference tomorrow and I’m afraid I won’t be able to cover up my inner sadness. And my judg-y friend texted me to go out. I’m not ready to face her. With the rage I am feeling, I will storm out and punch her in the face.


So yeah… Shitty week. And it looks like it won’t get better. Moreover, the official Suits account got in touch with me to send me a prize for being a long time fan, but it’s US shipping only. GREAT. I’m not angry, you are.

The title of this post is, of course, inspired by “Fix You” by Coldplay and with Tom Rosenthal’s “Soon goodbye, now love”, it has been the soundtrack of my sad 4 days.

The only joy has been TV. Like always. At least I have my shows.

xxx

Georgia

p.s. the photo of the sky was taken from the NASA website. Absolutely wonderful.

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Judgy people, shopping and rare positivity – Going Shopping part 2

Attention! This post contains swearing and an awful amount of sarcasm!

I haven’t had the best weekend. I know it’s not even over and it’s already shit.

In Friday I went shopping at our usual retail shopping centre and… boy, it was delightful. 🙄

I already talked about going shopping with my family and you are probably wondering? Is she a masochist? Does she want to hurt herself?

No. I am simply a cheap person that wants to buy a lot of makeup for the least possible amount of money.

(Mini-haul coming as soon as I can take the pictures!)

Before 3 PM, I had already received 3 comments of my makeup and one about my weight. And this time I didn’t even try anything on!

So yes, I was in an excellent mood. 🙄

I’m really sarcastic this evening.

And I don’t care that my makeup was grungy. And it wasn’t that grungy!

Some orang-y and brown eyeshadow and mascara! A bit smudged in the lower lash line and that’s it!

But I was supercool! Just smiled and said: “I like it, so…”. The complete sentence would have been “I like it, so… fuck off 🖕”.

I totally kept my cool, even about the weight thing.

Uh! I’ve just remembered! They also said I should renew my wardrobe and dress differently! Silly me! How could I forget this gem!?

Fast-forward to today. Or actually yesterday since it’s already past midnight.

I studied almost all day and I was in a terrible mood. I didn’t have energies, I was sleepy, I didn’t care about anything but most of all… I was angry. Really really pissed.

And I was looking forward to 7 PM, when I get to say a big “fuck you, University, I hate you.”.

I just wanted to catch up on the shows nominated for the Emmys that I haven’t seen. (Post about them coming soon).

But no! I had to write this post of Facebook for the association my family is working with. I hate it so much. I was forced into managing the Facebook page and I truly hate it. Have I said “hate” enough in this post? Yes? Well I hate it.

I don’t get how they managed to reel me into it. And since they are interested in it, they are under the impression that I have to care about it. And I truly don’t. Maybe 5%. Nah. Too much. 3%. 2,5%.

Since I was in a foul mood, my mom said: “come on, cheer up! Why are you pulling that face”

And like every single time she asks I respond: “it’s my face”

But today she went on and said: “you should smile more”

So I laughed and pulled my best and most real fake smile. And today every time she looked at me I put on that smile and let her know I was empty and dying inside.

FUN TIMES! 🙄

And I told her! She knew I was faking it and kept laughing, thinking it was a funny joke. Sorry. It wasn’t.

I have all of this repressed anger and a lot of my personality hidden and it is slowly driving me insane. Why can’t I be free, do whatever the fuck I want and not be judged? I know I’m not the most positive person ever, but when you see something you don’t have to immediately point out their vices and voice your judgy opinion. There are people who are different than you, enjoy doing different things than you. Stop criticising them! If you see only the negative aspects of a persone, you don’t have to underline it and point it about. Especially if they are about people! Shut up! It’s not their vices that define them!

I can’t believe how positive I am tonight. I’m probably having a stroke and not realising it.

So to sum up, I got criticised for my makeup, the way I dress; I got body shamed, got asked to smile more and waisted an entire Saturday evening doing shit I don’t care about and absolutely hate.

So yay! Great weekend! I also found out one of my middle school classmate got married today. Surreal! 👰🏻

Tomorrow (well it’s not 00:20 here so technically today) I’ll be studying again. Let’s just hope they will for a hike and leave me here with my pizza and my solitude. 🙏

It’s back

I am terrified that my "dark times" are coming back. I've been studying to take my exams again and although it is going okay, I have this horrible feeling that what happened last year is going to represent itself on September.
I was weak, I cried for everything and going out felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest.
But I've made so many progress! I go out pretty easily, I want to be around (some) people. I was even super eager to go driving with my mom to practise.
Last time I really cried was in April

But in this past week, I feel like I have undone some of the steps forward that I have taken.
I have said to my mom multiple times that I think this is also caused by hormones and mood swings that come with my period. She said it wasn't but never mind that.
I feel really down a week before my period is due, and getting back on my feet is never easy.
I have the impression I am inadequate, ugly, bored, angry, useless and incapable of facing my issues.
It's probably just because of the hormonal chaos that is inside my body, but just 20 minutes ago, I stood in my bathroom and cried.
Thankfully I managed to compose myself after two minutes. However, this is how it started last time. A few tears every couple months turned into sobbing on the bathroom floor, not being able to stop.
I sincerely hope this is not history repeating itself again. I made a journey, I got better but if even seeing ex-classmates' pictures on Instagram about their happiness over their University made me anxious, I really can't tell if some progress have been made.
I'm trying to be positive. Something I never do. Hopefully, it's just a bad mood and hormones. 😬

We’re done

Attention!!! This post contains some strong language and swear words!

I hadn’t cried in quite a long time. At least for my standards.
But I’ve never cried out of anger. Repressed anger.
And possibly something help. I’ve been feeling terrible these couple of days, really really down. And it hasn’t happened in at less a couple of months. I had managed to get out of it. I even did two fucking exams. Just 6 months ago I cried just by thinking of university. I was getting better for fuck’s sake.

I don’t want to sound obnoxious but in the family life, I am pretty much invisible and soooooo low key. I’m not expensive, I don’t ask for money, I don’t go to parties, my parent don’t have to drive me around, I keep quiet, I do what they ask me to. I basically have no life. But I’m sure you already knew that.

But for the first time in ages I was really really interested in something: I wanted to see my favourite mystery novel author at a bookstore where he is presenting his lastest masterpiece. (Which is set in Italy BTW).

Sadly taking the train isn’t an option. The city is an hour away from where I live and hte bookstore is at a 25 minutes distance from the station. The city is said to be VERY dangerous at night. Especially for a women. (Fuck those creeps that prevent us from ever enjoying ourselves without the fear of been attacked).

So I asked my mom for help and she said she wasn’t comfortable driving me to this city at night (the event starts at 9PM) and that I should ask my father.

So I did! And he checked his calendar and said yes! I seriously thought it was a miracle. He is NEVER free. Let me say this: we don’t have a great relationship. We don’t usually talk to each other, aside from “are you coming home to lunch?” from me and “tell mom I’ll be late” from him.

For a day and a half, I was over the moon. This was my THIRD try to see the author. THIRD. And both times I was not allowed to go. (I still throw it in my mother’s face every chance I get)

Then when we were at dinner Saturday, I found out that he actually wasn’t free. That he had a gig he didn’t remember of.
So I looked at him with a glare that would have incenerated him and said: “I’ll fucking kill you”. It got resolved fairly quickly as they moved the date!

I was so fucking naive to even click the “I will attend” button on the event of Facebook and I was literally jumping up and down.
Until Sunday afternoon. I am not kidding. This is what actually happened.
I might sound like a spoiled child and I don’t fucking care. I’ve wanted to meet the author and get his autograph since I was 15. That’s it. I literally haven’t asked anything else.

Back to the story, my father came in and told me he has orchestra rehearsals that day and that he couldn’t take me.

I had tears in my eyes but frankly, I didn’t want him to see me cry. He knows nothing about what I have been going through this past year and I sincerely hope my mother has not spilled the beans or I’ll fucking lose it.
Anyway. I just looked at him and said: “do not ever talk to me again”.
And then I just yelled at him in front of my grandparent. Great! 😒🙄

What really hurt me wasn’t that he can’t take him. Otherwise I would have got angry with my mother as well. It’s the illusion he let me have for that glorious day and 1/2. I fooled him into taking him, making him feel like the “cool” parent who wants to right a wrong made by his wife 5 years ago. I played him like a fucking idiot. But apparently I got played back.
What really angered me is that his things and interests always come first. He does whatever the fuck he wants. I make lunch, he says he’s not hungry. He heats up dinner once and then shouts that nobody is helping him clean out. And who the fuck helped me?
Also, how come he didn’t say: “I have to take my daughter to see her favourite author.” Or “can we do it earlier? I have plans with my daughter”.
I’m not asking him to talk to me everyday or know what exams I have or what I am doing with my life. For once, I asked for something. 4 hours of his life.

But apparently, I’m not important enough.