It’s back

I am terrified that my "dark times" are coming back. I've been studying to take my exams again and although it is going okay, I have this horrible feeling that what happened last year is going to represent itself on September.
I was weak, I cried for everything and going out felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest.
But I've made so many progress! I go out pretty easily, I want to be around (some) people. I was even super eager to go driving with my mom to practise.
Last time I really cried was in April

But in this past week, I feel like I have undone some of the steps forward that I have taken.
I have said to my mom multiple times that I think this is also caused by hormones and mood swings that come with my period. She said it wasn't but never mind that.
I feel really down a week before my period is due, and getting back on my feet is never easy.
I have the impression I am inadequate, ugly, bored, angry, useless and incapable of facing my issues.
It's probably just because of the hormonal chaos that is inside my body, but just 20 minutes ago, I stood in my bathroom and cried.
Thankfully I managed to compose myself after two minutes. However, this is how it started last time. A few tears every couple months turned into sobbing on the bathroom floor, not being able to stop.
I sincerely hope this is not history repeating itself again. I made a journey, I got better but if even seeing ex-classmates' pictures on Instagram about their happiness over their University made me anxious, I really can't tell if some progress have been made.
I'm trying to be positive. Something I never do. Hopefully, it's just a bad mood and hormones. 😬



I’ll be there for you

I haven’t posted anything in 16 days…. Oooops… There are a few reasons why

  1. I was feeling like shit. After more than a year I finally told my mother the truth about everything, how “depressed” I’m feeling and loads loads more… I was a hormonal mess and I might have cried more than I should have.
  2. I was watching 10 seasons of “Friends” in a week and a half.

Let’s just focus on the fun part of the two weeks I spent trying to get my shit together. (I didn’t BTW, I am just pretending to…)

Anyway, “Friends” is just the best… After the weeks (months and year) I’ve had, I was looking for something fun. I have been looking for that for a long time but the series I watched were fun but not funny. On the other hand, with Friends I laughed so much…

I have never laughed that much for a comedy tv show… There was the occasional smile and the chuckle, but almost never the actual laughter.

Some people say that laughing helps us boot our mood: when we laugh, our brain releases endorphins, the same enzymes we release when we have sex. They makes us feel better and happier. And I did!  I have been fine for a couple of days, I even went to Uni today!

I spent a week and a half laughing. Truly laughing out loud. With no complications, no fake laughter (which I am weirdly good at) and no hiding.

When I am feeling particularly down, my medicine is “You’re the worst” season 2… Watching Gretchen unashamedly embracing her depression is therapeutic… It makes me feel like I’m not the only one feeling down and that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes.

“Friends” just makes me laugh. It helped me trying to be better, feel better and get out of this black hole I dug myself into.

Also, can we talk about the late 90s and early 2000s? I basically fell in love with the 90s… I was born in 1996 but I couldn’t actually experience it! What a great decade!

I’ll go make my cup of tea now… yes, with milk… yes, the english way and yes, with english tea.


Georgia   🙂