Sometimes Change Isn’t For The Better

I got a haircut today.

And it didn’t go as planned.

I wanted it shortened and with long bangs so that there is a little movement and volume. Instead the hairdresser cut them too short and now it looks like I had a fringe and I’m trying to grow them out.

It’s not terrible… I kind of like it. It’s the way she curled it that I don’t really like.

Anyway, you can all imagine what my family had to say about it.

My mom came in saying: “Oh my God what is that? What did you do with your hair?”

My sister said nothing.

My aunt gave a consiscending smile and said: “Wow, the hairdresser is so hip and modern and she gives you an horr… well, a haircut like that.”

Then they piled on:

– “It looks like you’re from the 80s.”

– “You look ancient”

– “You just need to grow your bangs.”

Then they added that “compliment” because maybe they realised what they said was mostly negative and said: “But you still look pretty.”

So yeah…I was trying so hard not to cry. I am so deeply insecure about me appearance that it kills me every time.

I promised myself I wouldn’t have listened but after the forth comment, I couldn’t help it.

So guess what? Tomorrow I’ll wash my hair and try to style it as I like it.

Wish me luck.

xxx

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Missing two trains, Univeristy stuff and headaches

On Wednesday, I had the worst day.

It was really bad.

Weirdly enough, mentally, I was almost ok. But let’s start from the beginning: I emailed a few of my university professor in order to get the materials to study for my exams and so I had to go to Uni and actually talk to them. I need to do at least 2 exams this year or my mom will have a heart attack and I will have to explain to people why I didn’t, so in order to avoid all of this lying and unnecessary stress, I’m doing this. Even if it devastates me.

Anyway, I knew that if I didn’t have anyone pushing me to go talks to the professors, I wouldn’t have gone. But I did.

To summon everything up, my friend arrived late to pick me up and we missed out train. So we arrived in Venice late and therefore I got to the building where the professor was holding meetings late and I spent an hour waiting. Then we went back to the station and guess what? We missed the train AGAIN because my friend was again LATE.

But I held it. I didn’t say anything, I stayed calm. Even though this caused me to be late again, I ate in a haste and then I went to tutor some kids. For almost four hours. With an excruciatingly painful headache.

I’ve been suffering from terrible headaches recently. Like this one, they start at midday, I can’t concentrate and even moving ONE muscle feels like nails drilling into my brain.

I really kept my cool, not a scrap of makeup on my face and kept on smiling. But the real question is: how can you miss two trains in the span of 5 hours. Please tell me. I repeatedly told her I had a full day and no time to waste.  I had to go back the next day and I sooooooo didn’t tell her that I was. I was truly upset.

I hadn’t slept very well the night before. I was so scared about going to Venice and dealing with all of that university stuff. I’ve been doing a little bit better, studying for my driving license exam and opening the uni website without having a panic attack. So, of course, I took this opportunity for actually getting things done.

Franky, I don’t know what’s been going on with me. Some days are awful. Some are better. This week it’s been good. The last one wasn’t. I sat on my bed crying for a while, feeling too frightened to even get out of the house.

Tomorrow is Easter. The family will gather both on Sunday and on Monday. This means questions, scrutiny and a lot of judgy looks. Let’s hope next week is going to be just as good at this one. Without the missed trains.

Have a nice weekend!

Georgia

Going Shopping

Every 6 months my family and I go a shopping centre an hour away from our town. There you can buy designer clothes for really cheap prices. It’s that occasion where you can splurge on expensive things without going bankrupt.

I was excited, really excited. There are 2 makeup store and I can’t even begin to tell you the deals I got last time.

We were 7 women ready to shop. Everyone had stores they wanted to check out and they all had things to buy. My sister was obsessed in finding a winter coat, my mom wanted to buy some no-iron-shirts for my dad and so on.

The main thing for my was to buy makeup I wouldn’t normally wear at really really cheap price. BUT my mother had other ideas: she wanted to buy me a coat.

A thing that is really nice of her, don’t get me wrong. But we arrived at the place at 9.30AM and at 10AM I was already ready to cry.

Going shopping with my mom and aunt is ALWAYS challenging. They judge everything, they comment on everything and they make you feel like shit. And this is only the clothing part of all the criticism that goes on.

My weight, my posture, the shirt I’m wearing, my taste in clothes, my attitude, my haircut, my decisions… It’s really adorable.

I had 12 pair of eyes on me while I was trying them on. I hate being judged. I hate it, hate it, hate it… And my family is really good at it.

I’m not kidding, I tried on at least 8 different coats and some of them didn’t fit me well. I had my eyes set on a short coat but my family didn’t like it, so of course they tried to convince me that the one they liked was “The One”.

I totally felt like I was on an episode of “Say Yes to The Dress”.

I didn’t like the coat, I didn’t feel comfortable in it, but of course they tried to bully me into getting it. But why would I want to please them?

I am fucking 20 years old and I would like to have a say in what I’m wearing. I would NOT like to be judged like every single minute of my life. I feel like in my family having different opinions and different interests means I’m always wrong. I’ve been trying to accept it in the journey of “getting better” but I believe I shouldn’t be demolished like this.

I know, it’s family. It’s what they do. But forcing me to buy a coat by making me feel as I’m nothing is wrong.

IT’S A COAT. A FUCKING COAT. It’s a futile matter! We shouldn’t argue about it! And they kept bringing it up all fucking day!

I know that the solution would have been simple. To cave. But frankly I had too much pride to just give in. I feel like seeing this post from an outsider’s point of view looks absurd. But I felt like I had to stood up for myself. I remember the many many times they forced me into buying things they like (and that I never wore) or the times they insulted something I had bought. I stopped wearing them, I simply took them off, hung in my clothes and after I year or two I gave them to charity.

I don’t do New Year’s resolution because I think they’re dumb, but after I decided to take a semester off, I have goals to achieve in order to get better.

I want to always stand up for myself and spend more time with people I ACTUALLY want to. I want to openly disagree with my family and finally be free!!! Sounds dramatic…

I’m trying to “be positive” (like my mother always says) so

1. Tonight there are the Golden Globes in America!I’m SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!
2. Tomorrow my family is going back to work and I can finally relax and start taking photograph for one of my next blog posts (about all the stuff I bought at Pupa and L’Oreal)!

Thanks for reading! Sorry for the rant.

Georgia    🙂

P.S. I have just realized this is my 50th post! Yay!