Trouble at Uni, exams and breakdowns

I don’t even know where to start.

Basically I’ve been studying for a months and a half for absolutely NOTHING.

A couple of weeks ago, I logged into my uni account to book my english exam. And I made a surprising discovery.

Back in June I wrote this post about the fact that I didn’t pass BOTH my exams. I was called Failure and I wrote it while sobbing on my keyboard. So, yeah. Fun times. 😅

This almost pulled me back to my dark place. I was so devastated. I had studied for a long time, without attending class and on my own. Anyway, I thought I hadn’t passed my Literature exam. But in reality I did.

This is what happened.

Instead of telling my mother straightaway, I invented a lame excuse about problems with the University server. I saw it said: “Passed: NO” and I never gave it a second look. You don’t want to go back and have your failures mock you in the face.

So when I logged into my account to book my English exam I noticed there wasn’t the box to book the other one, the English Literature one. And of course I freaked out!

So I went to my “libretto”, the page that contains all my marks and it turns out: I did pass it.

Basically, the whole excuse with the university server was true. I had made it up, but apparently there actually WAS a problem and some marks weren’t registed. Mine included. A week after I saw the mark they sent an email saying that there was a mix up but I didn’t see it.

Of course.

I was so relieved but so unbelievably pissed. I WASTED SO MUCH TIME THAT I COULD HAVE SPENT STUDYING FOR A DIFFERENT EXAM.

Anyway, I got a 22 out of 30. Not particularly well but I thought I hadn’t passed it so it’s definitely an improvement.

I am exhausted by all of this and aside from my imediate family and my best friend, I haven’t told anyone else. And my dad made fun of me for the entire day. My mom started laughing every time our eyes met but now the drama is over.



So yeah. This happened. I know I was stupid: I should have check it my uni emails, but I just didn’t want to see the “no” again.

Next time I’ll be checking my emails every single day. Let me know your crazy university stories! The Uni world is a crazy one!

xxx

Georgia

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Failure

I was hoping to pass at least one exam but I didn’t.

I did two and I didn’t pass either of them. Frankly I don’t know what to do. I thought I was strong enough but apparently this has set me back. I don’t deal well with failure. It is something that detroys me from the inside.

And now I have to tell my family. Great. I can already see their faces. I am sure they are not going to make a big deal out of it, especially my mom, since she is the only one who know what I’ve been going through this past year.

Should I lie? Should I just tell people I passed them?

The world I live in is very judgy. And pityful.

I HATE seeing that expression on people’s faces but even more than that, the judgy look that they give you when they take pity on you.

In a couple of days it’s my birthday, but the last thing I want to do is celebrate. I’d rather dig a hole and hide in it until august. (That’s when I will take the exams again.)

I just want this university part of my life to go away. I hate it. I can’t help myself but I really really hate it with all my heart.

I can’t drop out. I just really can’t. But it is destroying me.

I really want to be a teacher and talk in and about English all day. But the journey getting there is ripping me apart piece by piece.

I know that they are just two exams but I really wanted to pass them so I could get them over with and begin the next year with a fresh start.

Now I’m not so sure I will.

Georgia