Trouble at Uni, exams and breakdowns

I don’t even know where to start.

Basically I’ve been studying for a months and a half for absolutely NOTHING.

A couple of weeks ago, I logged into my uni account to book my english exam. And I made a surprising discovery.

Back in June I wrote this post about the fact that I didn’t pass BOTH my exams. I was called Failure and I wrote it while sobbing on my keyboard. So, yeah. Fun times. 😅

This almost pulled me back to my dark place. I was so devastated. I had studied for a long time, without attending class and on my own. Anyway, I thought I hadn’t passed my Literature exam. But in reality I did.

This is what happened.

Instead of telling my mother straightaway, I invented a lame excuse about problems with the University server. I saw it said: “Passed: NO” and I never gave it a second look. You don’t want to go back and have your failures mock you in the face.

So when I logged into my account to book my English exam I noticed there wasn’t the box to book the other one, the English Literature one. And of course I freaked out!

So I went to my “libretto”, the page that contains all my marks and it turns out: I did pass it.

Basically, the whole excuse with the university server was true. I had made it up, but apparently there actually WAS a problem and some marks weren’t registed. Mine included. A week after I saw the mark they sent an email saying that there was a mix up but I didn’t see it.

Of course.

I was so relieved but so unbelievably pissed. I WASTED SO MUCH TIME THAT I COULD HAVE SPENT STUDYING FOR A DIFFERENT EXAM.

Anyway, I got a 22 out of 30. Not particularly well but I thought I hadn’t passed it so it’s definitely an improvement.

I am exhausted by all of this and aside from my imediate family and my best friend, I haven’t told anyone else. And my dad made fun of me for the entire day. My mom started laughing every time our eyes met but now the drama is over.



So yeah. This happened. I know I was stupid: I should have check it my uni emails, but I just didn’t want to see the “no” again.

Next time I’ll be checking my emails every single day. Let me know your crazy university stories! The Uni world is a crazy one!

xxx

Georgia

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September Goals 2017

I saw this wonderful post by Victoria (Doodles and Scraps) about her August Wrap-up and the goals she has set for the months of September. So I decided to use this as inspiration for my post.

It’s the 1st of September as I am writing this. I’ve spent the morning watching “Harry Potter and the deathly hallows part 1” with my sister. Today is the day the last chapter “19 years later” of the seventh book takes place. And we were so excited! We talked about Harry Potter for the entire morning, sharing theories and remembering fondly about the previous books and movies.

Anyway, let’s get into it! For my September goals I’d like to:

  • Start my new year at Uni without falling back into my dark place

Last year, I was supposed to start my second year at Uni but when the time came, I was so emotionally fragile, the thought of going to Venice made me want to cry in dispair. And this year I have more responsibility, I have a job (kind of, I’m teaching English 3 hours a week) and tutoring. I already feel the pressure, but I can’t give up like a did last year.

I really can’t.

  • Watch the Emmys on September 17th

The “Emmy Awards” is my favourite award show and I’ll be live tweeting like a crazy person. I’m currently catching up on all the shows I haven’t seen yet and it’s been amazing. I have broadened my orizon and watch show I nomally wouldn’t.

So I’d like to complete this challenge.

  • Wear Makeup Everyday

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It might seem silly, but my mother gave me this advice in order to get better. When getting out of bed seemed an enourmous efford, she told me: “I know it’s hard. But get up, shower and put some makeup on. Try to get out of the house for even an hour. You’ll feel better.”

It wasn’t like this. She forced me. She gave me shopping lists to do every day. Most of the time… I got out of the house without a single hint of makeup, my pyjama hidden under the coat. But I slowly got better.

This months, I haven’t worn it that much. Mostly because I stayed in. But I can’t go back. I have to do it this time.

  • Read more books

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So far, I’ve read 35 books this year. Not too bad. I’ve completed my goodreads goal and recently set another one. So I want to push myself, read more diverse books and learn more about the world through the stories.

I want to appreciate books more and espand my knowledge of the world of literature. And of course a couple of nice chick-flicks.



Hope you liked my September Goals. Huge thanks to Victoria for the inspiration. I had so much fun writing this!

I’d like to know what your september goals are! Please leave a comment and let me know. That’d mean the world to me!

Love,

Georgia

 

P.s. This post uploads itself on the 4th on September and it’s the date of my exam!!! I am so ready for all of this to be over! Let’s hope I’ll pass it!

Judgy people, shopping and rare positivity – Going Shopping part 2

Attention! This post contains swearing and an awful amount of sarcasm!

I haven’t had the best weekend. I know it’s not even over and it’s already shit.

In Friday I went shopping at our usual retail shopping centre and… boy, it was delightful. 🙄

I already talked about going shopping with my family and you are probably wondering? Is she a masochist? Does she want to hurt herself?

No. I am simply a cheap person that wants to buy a lot of makeup for the least possible amount of money.

(Mini-haul coming as soon as I can take the pictures!)

Before 3 PM, I had already received 3 comments of my makeup and one about my weight. And this time I didn’t even try anything on!

So yes, I was in an excellent mood. 🙄

I’m really sarcastic this evening.

And I don’t care that my makeup was grungy. And it wasn’t that grungy!

Some orang-y and brown eyeshadow and mascara! A bit smudged in the lower lash line and that’s it!

But I was supercool! Just smiled and said: “I like it, so…”. The complete sentence would have been “I like it, so… fuck off 🖕”.

I totally kept my cool, even about the weight thing.

Uh! I’ve just remembered! They also said I should renew my wardrobe and dress differently! Silly me! How could I forget this gem!?

Fast-forward to today. Or actually yesterday since it’s already past midnight.

I studied almost all day and I was in a terrible mood. I didn’t have energies, I was sleepy, I didn’t care about anything but most of all… I was angry. Really really pissed.

And I was looking forward to 7 PM, when I get to say a big “fuck you, University, I hate you.”.

I just wanted to catch up on the shows nominated for the Emmys that I haven’t seen. (Post about them coming soon).

But no! I had to write this post of Facebook for the association my family is working with. I hate it so much. I was forced into managing the Facebook page and I truly hate it. Have I said “hate” enough in this post? Yes? Well I hate it.

I don’t get how they managed to reel me into it. And since they are interested in it, they are under the impression that I have to care about it. And I truly don’t. Maybe 5%. Nah. Too much. 3%. 2,5%.

Since I was in a foul mood, my mom said: “come on, cheer up! Why are you pulling that face”

And like every single time she asks I respond: “it’s my face”

But today she went on and said: “you should smile more”

So I laughed and pulled my best and most real fake smile. And today every time she looked at me I put on that smile and let her know I was empty and dying inside.

FUN TIMES! 🙄

And I told her! She knew I was faking it and kept laughing, thinking it was a funny joke. Sorry. It wasn’t.

I have all of this repressed anger and a lot of my personality hidden and it is slowly driving me insane. Why can’t I be free, do whatever the fuck I want and not be judged? I know I’m not the most positive person ever, but when you see something you don’t have to immediately point out their vices and voice your judgy opinion. There are people who are different than you, enjoy doing different things than you. Stop criticising them! If you see only the negative aspects of a persone, you don’t have to underline it and point it about. Especially if they are about people! Shut up! It’s not their vices that define them!

I can’t believe how positive I am tonight. I’m probably having a stroke and not realising it.

So to sum up, I got criticised for my makeup, the way I dress; I got body shamed, got asked to smile more and waisted an entire Saturday evening doing shit I don’t care about and absolutely hate.

So yay! Great weekend! I also found out one of my middle school classmate got married today. Surreal! 👰🏻

Tomorrow (well it’s not 00:20 here so technically today) I’ll be studying again. Let’s just hope they will for a hike and leave me here with my pizza and my solitude. 🙏

It’s back

I am terrified that my "dark times" are coming back. I've been studying to take my exams again and although it is going okay, I have this horrible feeling that what happened last year is going to represent itself on September.
I was weak, I cried for everything and going out felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest.
But I've made so many progress! I go out pretty easily, I want to be around (some) people. I was even super eager to go driving with my mom to practise.
Last time I really cried was in April

But in this past week, I feel like I have undone some of the steps forward that I have taken.
I have said to my mom multiple times that I think this is also caused by hormones and mood swings that come with my period. She said it wasn't but never mind that.
I feel really down a week before my period is due, and getting back on my feet is never easy.
I have the impression I am inadequate, ugly, bored, angry, useless and incapable of facing my issues.
It's probably just because of the hormonal chaos that is inside my body, but just 20 minutes ago, I stood in my bathroom and cried.
Thankfully I managed to compose myself after two minutes. However, this is how it started last time. A few tears every couple months turned into sobbing on the bathroom floor, not being able to stop.
I sincerely hope this is not history repeating itself again. I made a journey, I got better but if even seeing ex-classmates' pictures on Instagram about their happiness over their University made me anxious, I really can't tell if some progress have been made.
I'm trying to be positive. Something I never do. Hopefully, it's just a bad mood and hormones. 😬