Failure

I was hoping to pass at least one exam but I didn’t.

I did two and I didn’t pass either of them. Frankly I don’t know what to do. I thought I was strong enough but apparently this has set me back. I don’t deal well with failure. It is something that detroys me from the inside.

And now I have to tell my family. Great. I can already see their faces. I am sure they are not going to make a big deal out of it, especially my mom, since she is the only one who know what I’ve been going through this past year.

Should I lie? Should I just tell people I passed them?

The world I live in is very judgy. And pityful.

I HATE seeing that expression on people’s faces but even more than that, the judgy look that they give you when they take pity on you.

In a couple of days it’s my birthday, but the last thing I want to do is celebrate. I’d rather dig a hole and hide in it until august. (That’s when I will take the exams again.)

I just want this university part of my life to go away. I hate it. I can’t help myself but I really really hate it with all my heart.

I can’t drop out. I just really can’t. But it is destroying me.

I really want to be a teacher and talk in and about English all day. But the journey getting there is ripping me apart piece by piece.

I know that they are just two exams but I really wanted to pass them so I could get them over with and begin the next year with a fresh start.

Now I’m not so sure I will.

 

Georgia

Missing two trains, Univeristy stuff and headaches

On Wednesday, I had the worst day.

It was really bad.

Weirdly enough, mentally, I was almost ok. But let’s start from the beginning: I emailed a few of my university professor in order to get the materials to study for my exams and so I had to go to Uni and actually talk to them. I need to do at least 2 exams this year or my mom will have a heart attack and I will have to explain to people why I didn’t, so in order to avoid all of this lying and unnecessary stress, I’m doing this. Even if it devastates me.

IMG_6628Anyway, I knew that if I didn’t have anyone pushing me to go talks to the professors, I wouldn’t have gone. But I did.

To summon everything up, my friend arrived late to pick me up and we missed out train. So we arrived in Venice late and therefore I got to the building where the professor was holding meetings late and I spent an hour waiting. Then we went back to the station and guess what? We missed the train AGAIN because my friend was again LATE.

But I held it. I didn’t say anything, I stayed calm. Even though this caused me to be late again, I ate in a haste and then I went to tutor some kids. For almost four hours. With an excruciatingly painful headache.

I’ve been suffering from terrible headaches recently. Like this one, they start at midday, I can’t concentrate and even moving ONE muscle feels like nails drilling into my brain.

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I really kept my cool, not a scrap of makeup on my face and kept on smiling. But the real question is: how can you miss two trains in the span of 5 hours. Please tell me. I repeatedly told her I had a full day and no time to waste.  I had to go back the next day and I sooooooo didn’t tell her that I was. I was truly upset.

I hadn’t slept very well the night before. I was so scared about going to Venice and dealing with all of that university stuff. I’ve been doing a little bit better, studying for my driving license exam and opening the uni website without having a panic attack. So, of course, I took this opportunity for actually getting things done.

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Franky, I don’t know what’s been going on with me. Some days are awful. Some are better. This week it’s been good. The last one wasn’t. I sat on my bed crying for a while, feeling too frightened to even get out of the house.

Tomorrow is Easter. The family will gather both on Sunday and on Monday. This means questions, scrutiny and a lot of judgy looks. Let’s hope next week is going to be just as good at this one. Without the missed trains.

Have a nice weekend!

Georgia

Taking a Break

I briefly mentioned my “feeling down period” in a previous post about Friends, but I never actually explained anything. I don’t feel ready to share everything right now… I kind of think that if I actually talk about it, I would FEEL it and BAM! I’ll be a mess again.

Because for the past month, I have been feeling better. I haven’t been particularly “down” or “depressed” as much as I was before. I reckon telling my mother my problems almost healed me… Or I have just repressed and pushed down everything that I haven’t had a chance to spend more than a few minutes wondering about my “stuff”.

Thinking about it, I have DEFINITELY repressed everything. I haven’t allowed myself to dwell on my problems. I’m trying to occupy every single second of my day with something else, mostly tv series. I am always watching something or reading something. I’m reading FanFictions until I’m half asleep and my phone falls on my face…

A month ago I immersed myself in Friends… I had a break from it for a week and then casually decided to re-watch it again. *insert sarcasm* Yes, I’m so normal.

Then of course I got bored. So I watched “The Crown”, tried to give “Transparent” and “The Mindy Project” a go (didn’t go very well), kept up with my usual weekly schedule of series… I tried to get my brain constantly filled with other stuff, whether it’s music, tv series, movies or the US election post-trauma it didn’t matter.

I am kind of afraid that if I shut all of this down, things will get back to being horrible.

As of now, I’m watching (unbelievably for the first time) Gilmore Girls. And I’m having a huge meltdown… I’ll write a separate post about this… And it’s going to be long and I’m going to frea out.

As for my University, well… I started doing some stuff. When my mom said I could take a break for a semester, I cried out of happiness. BUT OF COURSE, my conscience crept up and made me feel guilty.

I can’t fall behind… I can’t finish my bachelor late. Not even a semester late. I just want to be over with all of this as quickly as I can. Because I want to teach English to students, share my passion for it and not being stuck on a desk learning about how the german language was influenced by anglosaxons in the 2nd century AD.

Let me tell you, I have never read a more boring book in my entire life… And I read one about phonetic!

Anyway, my goal is to at least do 2 exams this January, so that I’m not extremely behind on everything.

Moreover, I’m going out of my house more!! In my pyjamas, but still. I went out every day of the week! Almost entirely voluntarily!

I feel like I am making small progresses, but it may be just my problems, lulling my into a false sense of security before dragging me down to the bottom of the well.

Oh well… Let me get back to Gilmore Girls. See you soon

Georgia