Failure

I was hoping to pass at least one exam but I didn’t.

I did two and I didn’t pass either of them. Frankly I don’t know what to do. I thought I was strong enough but apparently this has set me back. I don’t deal well with failure. It is something that detroys me from the inside.

And now I have to tell my family. Great. I can already see their faces. I am sure they are not going to make a big deal out of it, especially my mom, since she is the only one who know what I’ve been going through this past year.

Should I lie? Should I just tell people I passed them?

The world I live in is very judgy. And pityful.

I HATE seeing that expression on people’s faces but even more than that, the judgy look that they give you when they take pity on you.

In a couple of days it’s my birthday, but the last thing I want to do is celebrate. I’d rather dig a hole and hide in it until august. (That’s when I will take the exams again.)

I just want this university part of my life to go away. I hate it. I can’t help myself but I really really hate it with all my heart.

I can’t drop out. I just really can’t. But it is destroying me.

I really want to be a teacher and talk in and about English all day. But the journey getting there is ripping me apart piece by piece.

I know that they are just two exams but I really wanted to pass them so I could get them over with and begin the next year with a fresh start.

Now I’m not so sure I will.

 

Georgia

Missing two trains, Univeristy stuff and headaches

On Wednesday, I had the worst day.

It was really bad.

Weirdly enough, mentally, I was almost ok. But let’s start from the beginning: I emailed a few of my university professor in order to get the materials to study for my exams and so I had to go to Uni and actually talk to them. I need to do at least 2 exams this year or my mom will have a heart attack and I will have to explain to people why I didn’t, so in order to avoid all of this lying and unnecessary stress, I’m doing this. Even if it devastates me.

IMG_6628Anyway, I knew that if I didn’t have anyone pushing me to go talks to the professors, I wouldn’t have gone. But I did.

To summon everything up, my friend arrived late to pick me up and we missed out train. So we arrived in Venice late and therefore I got to the building where the professor was holding meetings late and I spent an hour waiting. Then we went back to the station and guess what? We missed the train AGAIN because my friend was again LATE.

But I held it. I didn’t say anything, I stayed calm. Even though this caused me to be late again, I ate in a haste and then I went to tutor some kids. For almost four hours. With an excruciatingly painful headache.

I’ve been suffering from terrible headaches recently. Like this one, they start at midday, I can’t concentrate and even moving ONE muscle feels like nails drilling into my brain.

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I really kept my cool, not a scrap of makeup on my face and kept on smiling. But the real question is: how can you miss two trains in the span of 5 hours. Please tell me. I repeatedly told her I had a full day and no time to waste.  I had to go back the next day and I sooooooo didn’t tell her that I was. I was truly upset.

I hadn’t slept very well the night before. I was so scared about going to Venice and dealing with all of that university stuff. I’ve been doing a little bit better, studying for my driving license exam and opening the uni website without having a panic attack. So, of course, I took this opportunity for actually getting things done.

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Franky, I don’t know what’s been going on with me. Some days are awful. Some are better. This week it’s been good. The last one wasn’t. I sat on my bed crying for a while, feeling too frightened to even get out of the house.

Tomorrow is Easter. The family will gather both on Sunday and on Monday. This means questions, scrutiny and a lot of judgy looks. Let’s hope next week is going to be just as good at this one. Without the missed trains.

Have a nice weekend!

Georgia

Taking a Break

I briefly mentioned my “feeling down period” in a previous post about Friends, but I never actually explained anything. I don’t feel ready to share everything right now… I kind of think that if I actually talk about it, I would FEEL it and BAM! I’ll be a mess again.

Because for the past month, I have been feeling better. I haven’t been particularly “down” or “depressed” as much as I was before. I reckon telling my mother my problems almost healed me… Or I have just repressed and pushed down everything that I haven’t had a chance to spend more than a few minutes wondering about my “stuff”.

Thinking about it, I have DEFINITELY repressed everything. I haven’t allowed myself to dwell on my problems. I’m trying to occupy every single second of my day with something else, mostly tv series. I am always watching something or reading something. I’m reading FanFictions until I’m half asleep and my phone falls on my face…

A month ago I immersed myself in Friends… I had a break from it for a week and then casually decided to re-watch it again. *insert sarcasm* Yes, I’m so normal.

Then of course I got bored. So I watched “The Crown”, tried to give “Transparent” and “The Mindy Project” a go (didn’t go very well), kept up with my usual weekly schedule of series… I tried to get my brain constantly filled with other stuff, whether it’s music, tv series, movies or the US election post-trauma it didn’t matter.

I am kind of afraid that if I shut all of this down, things will get back to being horrible.

As of now, I’m watching (unbelievably for the first time) Gilmore Girls. And I’m having a huge meltdown… I’ll write a separate post about this… And it’s going to be long and I’m going to frea out.

As for my University, well… I started doing some stuff. When my mom said I could take a break for a semester, I cried out of happiness. BUT OF COURSE, my conscience crept up and made me feel guilty.

I can’t fall behind… I can’t finish my bachelor late. Not even a semester late. I just want to be over with all of this as quickly as I can. Because I want to teach English to students, share my passion for it and not being stuck on a desk learning about how the german language was influenced by anglosaxons in the 2nd century AD.

Let me tell you, I have never read a more boring book in my entire life… And I read one about phonetic!

Anyway, my goal is to at least do 2 exams this January, so that I’m not extremely behind on everything.

Moreover, I’m going out of my house more!! In my pyjamas, but still. I went out every day of the week! Almost entirely voluntarily!

I feel like I am making small progresses, but it may be just my problems, lulling my into a false sense of security before dragging me down to the bottom of the well.

Oh well… Let me get back to Gilmore Girls. See you soon

Georgia

 

 

 

 

 

 

First Year At Uni

I have only written reviews so far and entering the “personal” sphere scares the shit out of me.

In a week, my Uni courses start again. I’m still confused about how I feel about it.

I am a student at Ca’ Foscari University in Venice. I’m studying “Lingua, Civiltà e scienze del Linguaggio” which is translated into: “Language, Civilisation and Science of Language”.

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Let me just start by saying that I haven’t had an easy year. I was terrified by Uni. It took me ages to sign up and even more to actually attend classes. As soon as someone mentioned “University” or “Venice” I started crying.

It’s not that I didn’t like it but I had just finished school, I had spent a month in London being an au-pair girl and I wasn’t ready. I was scared, I was alone and everybody around me seemed to have everything figured out.

Moreover, I had my huge extended family looking over my shoulder without giving an honest opinion. Just judging and making faces.

Anyway, first semester passed fairly easily. I did every exam I was supposed to do and I passed them all.

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Further problems started to surface in the second semester. I felt like I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to leave the house, I didn’t want to go to Uni, I lied to my parents, to everyone. Every time I had to go to Uni, I’d feel like crying again. Even though the semester started in February, the first lesson I actually attended was at the end of March.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to say it because there are loads of people who actually suffer from this condition, but I self-diagnosed myself as depressed. I didn’t feel anything, didn’t care for anything and as soon as someone mentioned Uni, I *surprise surprise* started weeping like a baby.

When at the end of May, I did two of my four exams (I don’t want to brag but I am really proud of my 30/30 in English 🙂 ), for the two summer months I felt free…

But I am looking at my future, what I want to do in 2 years when Uni is over an at least of that I am sure: I’d like to be an english teacher.

And without a bachelor (actually a master’s) degree I cannot become a teacher and teach english in high school. And I have no intention of being an elementary school teacher.

A year ago I was so indecisive about everything… My life, my choices… I still am.

Frankly, I hope this year will be better. And I don’t mean University wise.

As of today I am ok. At least I think so. Let’s see what tomorrow is going to be like.

 

Georgia    🙂