I did it!

I passed my english exam.

I’ve literally just found out! I ran to my mom sobbing and mumbling: “I passed the exam! I got a 28/30!”

After that, I stood there for 10 minutes sheding litres and litres of tears. My mom and I talked some more, about my uni life and the choices I have to make in the next months.

Aside from that, I texted my friend to meet me saturday for our traditional celebratory smoothie and I am trying to be more positive. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to a class and it’s killing me. I have to attend this one, because it’s about poetry in the 16th Century. SO BORING. I’m not really interested in that. I was hoping in more victorian books.

Today I’m going to pay my fee and go for a driving lesson. Despite my numbness regarding everything, I am tying to survive.

 

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Hugging

Today my mom hugged me. And not in a congratulatory “Happy Birthday” or “Happy New Year” way. We hadn’t hugged like that since that morning in high school, when I basically had a breakdown in the bathroom.

This time, we stumbled upon each other in the kitchen and she hugged me.

So of course, I’ve been crying for 20 minutes. I don’t know what happened, she put her arms around me and tear came out of my eyes.

I haven’t had the best weekend, counting the days until I HAVE to go back to Uni. I was supposed to go today. But last night while I was watching the Emmys I couldn’t keep my heart beat down. I felt something on my chest, something that suffocated me and my heart kept pounding. It took me quite a long time to make it stop.

At 4.30AM I wrote to the friend I was supposed to meet at the train station that I got a bug my little cousin had yesterday at lunch. She was sick. I am not. I couldn’t help by lie. I know that it’s horrible, but I can’t talk to people. I can’t tell them what I truly feel.

Anyway, I didn’t go and I’ve been feeling like shit all day. Extremely happy about the Emmys, but basically dead inside. It’s all a “guilt” problem. That I already knew.

But getting hugged by my mom was what sent me over the edge. She is not a very physical person. Aside from a pat (it’s more like an affectionate slap, actually on the leg, we don’t really touch.

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

While we were hugging in the middle of the kitchen, my sister came in. I couldn’t let her see me cry. I think she knows that something isn’t right. I think she might have seen me cry a couple of times. When I couldn’t hide it. She hasn’t said anything, thought. What could she say?

I’ll be trying to go to Uni on Wednesday, since there is English 3. And that shouldn’t cause me any stress. As if.

I’m going to lay down now. I already feel the post-crying-headache coming on.

Trouble at Uni, exams and breakdowns

I don’t even know where to start.

Basically I’ve been studying for a months and a half for absolutely NOTHING.

A couple of weeks ago, I logged into my uni account to book my english exam. And I made a surprising discovery.

Back in June I wrote this post about the fact that I didn’t pass BOTH my exams. I was called Failure and I wrote it while sobbing on my keyboard. So, yeah. Fun times. 😅

This almost pulled me back to my dark place. I was so devastated. I had studied for a long time, without attending class and on my own. Anyway, I thought I hadn’t passed my Literature exam. But in reality I did.

This is what happened.

Instead of telling my mother straightaway, I invented a lame excuse about problems with the University server. I saw it said: “Passed: NO” and I never gave it a second look. You don’t want to go back and have your failures mock you in the face.

So when I logged into my account to book my English exam I noticed there wasn’t the box to book the other one, the English Literature one. And of course I freaked out!

So I went to my “libretto”, the page that contains all my marks and it turns out: I did pass it.

Basically, the whole excuse with the university server was true. I had made it up, but apparently there actually WAS a problem and some marks weren’t registed. Mine included. A week after I saw the mark they sent an email saying that there was a mix up but I didn’t see it.

Of course.

I was so relieved but so unbelievably pissed. I WASTED SO MUCH TIME THAT I COULD HAVE SPENT STUDYING FOR A DIFFERENT EXAM.

Anyway, I got a 22 out of 30. Not particularly well but I thought I hadn’t passed it so it’s definitely an improvement.

I am exhausted by all of this and aside from my imediate family and my best friend, I haven’t told anyone else. And my dad made fun of me for the entire day. My mom started laughing every time our eyes met but now the drama is over.



So yeah. This happened. I know I was stupid: I should have check it my uni emails, but I just didn’t want to see the “no” again.

Next time I’ll be checking my emails every single day. Let me know your crazy university stories! The Uni world is a crazy one!

xxx

Georgia

Failure

I was hoping to pass at least one exam but I didn’t.

I did two and I didn’t pass either of them. Frankly I don’t know what to do. I thought I was strong enough but apparently this has set me back. I don’t deal well with failure. It is something that detroys me from the inside.

And now I have to tell my family. Great. I can already see their faces. I am sure they are not going to make a big deal out of it, especially my mom, since she is the only one who know what I’ve been going through this past year.

Should I lie? Should I just tell people I passed them?

The world I live in is very judgy. And pityful.

I HATE seeing that expression on people’s faces but even more than that, the judgy look that they give you when they take pity on you.

In a couple of days it’s my birthday, but the last thing I want to do is celebrate. I’d rather dig a hole and hide in it until august. (That’s when I will take the exams again.)

I just want this university part of my life to go away. I hate it. I can’t help myself but I really really hate it with all my heart.

I can’t drop out. I just really can’t. But it is destroying me.

I really want to be a teacher and talk in and about English all day. But the journey getting there is ripping me apart piece by piece.

I know that they are just two exams but I really wanted to pass them so I could get them over with and begin the next year with a fresh start.

Now I’m not so sure I will.

Georgia