I did it!

I passed my english exam.

I’ve literally just found out! I ran to my mom sobbing and mumbling: “I passed the exam! I got a 28/30!”

After that, I stood there for 10 minutes sheding litres and litres of tears. My mom and I talked some more, about my uni life and the choices I have to make in the next months.

Aside from that, I texted my friend to meet me saturday for our traditional celebratory smoothie and I am trying to be more positive. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to a class and it’s killing me. I have to attend this one, because it’s about poetry in the 16th Century. SO BORING. I’m not really interested in that. I was hoping in more victorian books.

Today I’m going to pay my fee and go for a driving lesson. Despite my numbness regarding everything, I am tying to survive.



Tears Streaming Down Your Face

It’s definitely back.

My issues are back in full swing. I haven’t had such bad days in a long time. And the rage. I am angry. All the time.

The following may or may not be a few of the reasons.

Uni has started and I haven’t had the courage to attend any class. Next week I’ll be forced to, so expect another meltdown.

My mom, sister, aunt and cousin are going to Rome in October. Just a mothers-daughters trip. So……… yeah.

They asked me to go a couple of days later and I told them half-joking “Do you think I’m made of money?” Two days later, they came home for 4 tickets. Four.



They are already planning their trip, booking the visit to the Sistine Chapel and other museums. Great, right? I am happy for them, but I feel a bit left out. Well, a lot left out. I interpreted it like they didn’t care. If they wanted me to go, I could have got the money, I could have put off some expendable expenses (pardon the pun).

So I’ll be home the 28-29-30th of October. Next time I’ll go alone. I don’t know why I feel so upset. I don’t need them.

On top of that, they have commented on my physique (the last time just a couple of minutes ago) like it’s the only thing keeping them alive.

They have regarded my interests as useless, complained I talked about them too much. How is that even possible since I haven’t been speaking much when I’m with them? I don’t even know what to say.

I told them I was a bit tired of hearing about it and they bitterly said: “What? You want to talk about makeup and tv all day?”.

But if I don’t care about the same things as them, I’m the heartless one, the one who doesn’t care. And I don’t.

At the beginning, I was keen on helping them, managing the association’s Facebook page, but now, it’s too much. It’s the only topic they talk about. 24 fucking 7. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s the only topic. I am not exaggerating. They are currently (and have been for at least 2 hours) talking about it and yelling into a phone. I’ve threatened them to burn to whole thing down. As a joke of course. And if it weren’t bad for the environment and a felony, I would have done it a long long time ago.

(update: now my dad has picked up the phone and he is literally screaming to it.)

On top of that, my driving lesson was a disaster. A TOTAL FUCKING DISASTER.

Getting out of the house and interacting with people has been incredibly difficult this week. I received a few calls about my tutoring job and I am terrified. I don’t know why but I am scared. Really scared.

I got invited by a friend to a conference tomorrow and I’m afraid I won’t be able to cover up my inner sadness. And my judg-y friend texted me to go out. I’m not ready to face her. With the rage I am feeling, I will storm out and punch her in the face.

So yeah… Shitty week. And it looks like it won’t get better. Moreover, the official Suits account got in touch with me to send me a prize for being a long time fan, but it’s US shipping only. GREAT. I’m not angry, you are.

The title of this post is, of course, inspired by “Fix You” by Coldplay and with Tom Rosenthal’s “Soon goodbye, now love”, it has been the soundtrack of my sad 4 days.

The only joy has been TV. Like always. At least I have my shows.



p.s. the photo of the sky was taken from the NASA website. Absolutely wonderful.

Thirteen Reasons Why – REVIEW

Attention! The following post contains spoilers on ALL the episodes of “Thirteen Reasons Why” and sensitive topics such as sexual assault and suicide. You’ve been warned!

I’ve heart so much about this show. Both positive and negative. I haven’t read the book yet. I promised myself I would have read the book before starting the tv series, but curiosity got in the way.

If, somehow, you are not familiar with “Thirteen Reasons Why”, it talks about a girl who commits suicide and leaves behind 13 tapes depicting the reasons she did it. She leaves them to Clay (which apparently is a name) and he starts listening to them in order to discover the truth.
I haven’t really been into the whole debate “does it or does it not promote suicide?”. I did not want any spoiler and I was sure reading about the show and its flaws would have definitely ruined it for me.
To summarize, everybody who has watched the show got divided into two categories: those who felt like the show gave a glamour and over-romaticized vision of suicide and those who felt like it gave the topic room for discussion.
I have two friends who have seen the show and regard it in completely different ways.

I have watched it all and I don’t really agree with those who say that it shows a glamed-up version of depression and suicide.
Let me just start by saying that I had huge prejudices against the show. To me, it was over hyped and therefore I went in thinking it wasn’t any good. I have had people describing it as “the best show on television” and just from episode 1, I KNOW it’s a lie.
Right from the pilot, it was pretty clear to me that it was going to be full of stereotypes.

Technically speaking, I loved the decision of choosing blue and gray colours in the present AND the vibrant and bright in the past.
But on the other hand, I totally hated the obvious product placement, like the Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. *eye roll*.


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What truly surprised me was the fact than Clay wasn’t the only one who had the tapes. I expected it to be an intimate and introspective confession about a girl who decided to end her life. I was confused by the almost “murder mystery” vibe of the show. It is compelling and engaging, I have to admit it.

One of the thing that was interesting to me, was Olivia Baker’s search of the real reason her daughter’s actions. Her realisation about the fact that bullying exists and it has an impact on young adults and students. By now, sadly, it should not be such a surprise. Especially nowadays, bullying is mostly done online and in total and complete anonymity.
In regards of the characters, Clay is the typical loner and tortured nerd, who has no friends and was (probably) infatuated with Hannah.
Then there is the guy with the leather jacket and the old cool car. Maybe this is utterly normal and I just don’t understand it because I haven’t attended an American high school.

I’d definitely fancy Justin if he weren’t such a jerk. He is the classic and popular bad-boy, who acts like a huge dickhead. He doesn’t realise how much his actions impacted Hannah’s and Jessica’s life. He literally stood by and did absolutely nothing.
Speaking of characters on the show, Clay is unbearable. And seeing him ride his bike around time reminded me of the kids from Stranger Things. And on top of that, I just don’t like him.
Something else I don’t understand about the show is people’s obsession with Hannah. How come half of the characters were in love with her? I found that a bit forced.

Apart from that, it felt real. Hannah apparent cheerfulness and happiness even the day before she committed suicide represented very clearly how easy it is to mask your emotions and fool even those who are closest to you.

It was a hard show to watch. Especially the last three episode, which were, ironically, the best.

I did not watch the rape scenes. I could not do it. It made me sick. Even thinking about it.

Jessica’s ignorance of what actually happened the night of the party destroyed me. You can see the progression of her realization and it is utterly heartbreaking.


There are so many difficult scenes to watch and this is definitely one of the worst. Of course, the most devastating is Hannah’s suicide. I was told that they were going to show it, but nonetheless I was not prepared. At all.

I never shy away from brutal scenes but this was a lot. The entire last episode was incredibly painful and I am so glad they went in this direction.

Although the show contains a lot of stereotypical and derivative ideas, I feel like a lot of adults SHOULD watch it.

Getting into the minds of teenagers is not easy and when things pile of top of each other, extreme situations like this one might happen. And adults need to take everything into consideration.

Teenagers need to feel heard and understood and maybe this show will help their parents finally get it.


P.S. It took me AGES to write this post. I couldn’t make it right. I’ve been editing for weeks and I’m still not happy. Anyway, I hope you’ll let me know your thoughts on this.


It’s back

I am terrified that my "dark times" are coming back. I've been studying to take my exams again and although it is going okay, I have this horrible feeling that what happened last year is going to represent itself on September.
I was weak, I cried for everything and going out felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest.
But I've made so many progress! I go out pretty easily, I want to be around (some) people. I was even super eager to go driving with my mom to practise.
Last time I really cried was in April

But in this past week, I feel like I have undone some of the steps forward that I have taken.
I have said to my mom multiple times that I think this is also caused by hormones and mood swings that come with my period. She said it wasn't but never mind that.
I feel really down a week before my period is due, and getting back on my feet is never easy.
I have the impression I am inadequate, ugly, bored, angry, useless and incapable of facing my issues.
It's probably just because of the hormonal chaos that is inside my body, but just 20 minutes ago, I stood in my bathroom and cried.
Thankfully I managed to compose myself after two minutes. However, this is how it started last time. A few tears every couple months turned into sobbing on the bathroom floor, not being able to stop.
I sincerely hope this is not history repeating itself again. I made a journey, I got better but if even seeing ex-classmates' pictures on Instagram about their happiness over their University made me anxious, I really can't tell if some progress have been made.
I'm trying to be positive. Something I never do. Hopefully, it's just a bad mood and hormones. 😬