Today my mom hugged me. And not in a congratulatory “Happy Birthday” or “Happy New Year” way. We hadn’t hugged like that since that morning in high school, when I basically had a breakdown in the bathroom.
This time, we stumbled upon each other in the kitchen and she hugged me.
So of course, I’ve been crying for 20 minutes. I don’t know what happened, she put her arms around me and tear came out of my eyes.
I haven’t had the best weekend, counting the days until I HAVE to go back to Uni. I was supposed to go today. But last night while I was watching the Emmys I couldn’t keep my heart beat down. I felt something on my chest, something that suffocated me and my heart kept pounding. It took me quite a long time to make it stop.
At 4.30AM I wrote to the friend I was supposed to meet at the train station that I got a bug my little cousin had yesterday at lunch. She was sick. I am not. I couldn’t help by lie. I know that it’s horrible, but I can’t talk to people. I can’t tell them what I truly feel.
Anyway, I didn’t go and I’ve been feeling like shit all day. Extremely happy about the Emmys, but basically dead inside. It’s all a “guilt” problem. That I already knew.
But getting hugged by my mom was what sent me over the edge. She is not a very physical person. Aside from a pat (it’s more like an affectionate slap, actually on the leg, we don’t really touch.
I don’t know what’s happening to me.
While we were hugging in the middle of the kitchen, my sister came in. I couldn’t let her see me cry. I think she knows that something isn’t right. I think she might have seen me cry a couple of times. When I couldn’t hide it. She hasn’t said anything, thought. What could she say?
I’ll be trying to go to Uni on Wednesday, since there is English 3. And that shouldn’t cause me any stress. As if.
I’m going to lay down now. I already feel the post-crying-headache coming on.