It’s definitely back.
My issues are back in full swing. I haven’t had such bad days in a long time. And the rage. I am angry. All the time.
The following may or may not be a few of the reasons.
Uni has started and I haven’t had the courage to attend any class. Next week I’ll be forced to, so expect another meltdown.
My mom, sister, aunt and cousin are going to Rome in October. Just a mothers-daughters trip. So……… yeah.
They asked me to go a couple of days later and I told them half-joking “Do you think I’m made of money?” Two days later, they came home for 4 tickets. Four.
They are already planning their trip, booking the visit to the Sistine Chapel and other museums. Great, right? I am happy for them, but I feel a bit left out. Well, a lot left out. I interpreted it like they didn’t care. If they wanted me to go, I could have got the money, I could have put off some expendable expenses (pardon the pun).
So I’ll be home the 28-29-30th of October. Next time I’ll go alone. I don’t know why I feel so upset. I don’t need them.
On top of that, they have commented on my physique (the last time just a couple of minutes ago) like it’s the only thing keeping them alive.
They have regarded my interests as useless, complained I talked about them too much. How is that even possible since I haven’t been speaking much when I’m with them? I don’t even know what to say.
I told them I was a bit tired of hearing about it and they bitterly said: “What? You want to talk about makeup and tv all day?”.
But if I don’t care about the same things as them, I’m the heartless one, the one who doesn’t care. And I don’t.
At the beginning, I was keen on helping them, managing the association’s Facebook page, but now, it’s too much. It’s the only topic they talk about. 24 fucking 7. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s the only topic. I am not exaggerating. They are currently (and have been for at least 2 hours) talking about it and yelling into a phone. I’ve threatened them to burn to whole thing down. As a joke of course. And if it weren’t bad for the environment and a felony, I would have done it a long long time ago.
(update: now my dad has picked up the phone and he is literally screaming to it.)
On top of that, my driving lesson was a disaster. A TOTAL FUCKING DISASTER.
Getting out of the house and interacting with people has been incredibly difficult this week. I received a few calls about my tutoring job and I am terrified. I don’t know why but I am scared. Really scared.
I got invited by a friend to a conference tomorrow and I’m afraid I won’t be able to cover up my inner sadness. And my judg-y friend texted me to go out. I’m not ready to face her. With the rage I am feeling, I will storm out and punch her in the face.
So yeah… Shitty week. And it looks like it won’t get better. Moreover, the official Suits account got in touch with me to send me a prize for being a long time fan, but it’s US shipping only. GREAT. I’m not angry, you are.
The title of this post is, of course, inspired by “Fix You” by Coldplay and with Tom Rosenthal’s “Soon goodbye, now love”, it has been the soundtrack of my sad 4 days.
The only joy has been TV. Like always. At least I have my shows.
p.s. the photo of the sky was taken from the NASA website. Absolutely wonderful.