I am terrified that my "dark times" are coming back. I've been studying to take my exams again and although it is going okay, I have this horrible feeling that what happened last year is going to represent itself on September.
I was weak, I cried for everything and going out felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest.
But I've made so many progress! I go out pretty easily, I want to be around (some) people. I was even super eager to go driving with my mom to practise.
Last time I really cried was in April
But in this past week, I feel like I have undone some of the steps forward that I have taken.
I have said to my mom multiple times that I think this is also caused by hormones and mood swings that come with my period. She said it wasn't but never mind that.
I feel really down a week before my period is due, and getting back on my feet is never easy.
I have the impression I am inadequate, ugly, bored, angry, useless and incapable of facing my issues.
It's probably just because of the hormonal chaos that is inside my body, but just 20 minutes ago, I stood in my bathroom and cried.
Thankfully I managed to compose myself after two minutes. However, this is how it started last time. A few tears every couple months turned into sobbing on the bathroom floor, not being able to stop.
I sincerely hope this is not history repeating itself again. I made a journey, I got better but if even seeing ex-classmates' pictures on Instagram about their happiness over their University made me anxious, I really can't tell if some progress have been made.
I'm trying to be positive. Something I never do. Hopefully, it's just a bad mood and hormones. 😬