Attention!!! This post contains some strong language and swear words!
I hadn’t cried in quite a long time. At least for my standards.
But I’ve never cried out of anger. Repressed anger.
And possibly something help. I’ve been feeling terrible these couple of days, really really down. And it hasn’t happened in at less a couple of months. I had managed to get out of it. I even did two fucking exams. Just 6 months ago I cried just by thinking of university. I was getting better for fuck’s sake.
I don’t want to sound obnoxious but in the family life, I am pretty much invisible and soooooo low key. I’m not expensive, I don’t ask for money, I don’t go to parties, my parent don’t have to drive me around, I keep quiet, I do what they ask me to. I basically have no life. But I’m sure you already knew that.
But for the first time in ages I was really really interested in something: I wanted to see my favourite mystery novel author at a bookstore where he is presenting his lastest masterpiece. (Which is set in Italy BTW).
Sadly taking the train isn’t an option. The city is an hour away from where I live and hte bookstore is at a 25 minutes distance from the station. The city is said to be VERY dangerous at night. Especially for a women. (Fuck those creeps that prevent us from ever enjoying ourselves without the fear of been attacked).
So I asked my mom for help and she said she wasn’t comfortable driving me to this city at night (the event starts at 9PM) and that I should ask my father.
So I did! And he checked his calendar and said yes! I seriously thought it was a miracle. He is NEVER free. Let me say this: we don’t have a great relationship. We don’t usually talk to each other, aside from “are you coming home to lunch?” from me and “tell mom I’ll be late” from him.
For a day and a half, I was over the moon. This was my THIRD try to see the author. THIRD. And both times I was not allowed to go. (I still throw it in my mother’s face every chance I get)
Then when we were at dinner Saturday, I found out that he actually wasn’t free. That he had a gig he didn’t remember of.
So I looked at him with a glare that would have incenerated him and said: “I’ll fucking kill you”. It got resolved fairly quickly as they moved the date!
I was so fucking naive to even click the “I will attend” button on the event of Facebook and I was literally jumping up and down.
Until Sunday afternoon. I am not kidding. This is what actually happened.
I might sound like a spoiled child and I don’t fucking care. I’ve wanted to meet the author and get his autograph since I was 15. That’s it. I literally haven’t asked anything else.
Back to the story, my father came in and told me he has orchestra rehearsals that day and that he couldn’t take me.
I had tears in my eyes but frankly, I didn’t want him to see me cry. He knows nothing about what I have been going through this past year and I sincerely hope my mother has not spilled the beans or I’ll fucking lose it.
Anyway. I just looked at him and said: “do not ever talk to me again”.
And then I just yelled at him in front of my grandparent. Great! 😒🙄
What really hurt me wasn’t that he can’t take him. Otherwise I would have got angry with my mother as well. It’s the illusion he let me have for that glorious day and 1/2. I fooled him into taking him, making him feel like the “cool” parent who wants to right a wrong made by his wife 5 years ago. I played him like a fucking idiot. But apparently I got played back.
What really angered me is that his things and interests always come first. He does whatever the fuck he wants. I make lunch, he says he’s not hungry. He heats up dinner once and then shouts that nobody is helping him clean out. And who the fuck helped me?
Also, how come he didn’t say: “I have to take my daughter to see her favourite author.” Or “can we do it earlier? I have plans with my daughter”.
I’m not asking him to talk to me everyday or know what exams I have or what I am doing with my life. For once, I asked for something. 4 hours of his life.
But apparently, I’m not important enough.